I have finally realized that the more often I allow myself to sit down (generally after bed time or during nap time) and just focus on my own hobbies, the better wife and mom I am. It allows me to get my creativity out, and whatever other pent up feelings I might have. I find that if I get all of that out in some way (writing, coloring, painting, crocheting, whatever else I come up with) then I have more patience with my family. This means that we fight less, and that I am more understanding in general. I now make it a habit to sit down at least once a day and spend a few minutes on my own things. Its nice that I have a husband who understands that I need this time, and gives it to me without an argument. He supports it, and makes sure that I have the ability to do it. I feel blessed to have this. Its been just a few days of my making sure I get my me time, and already I can see the differences it makes. The house is cleaner, Lillian isn't having temper tantrums as much, Brandon is happier. I feel more relaxed, and I dont feel the need to be angry or upset. I wish that I had thought of trying this sooner. It might have made it so that we would have avoided a decent bit of drama in our lives. But at least I know it now, and can make sure it happens from this point on. I'm just glad that I am finding out how to take care of myself, so that I can take care of my family. It feels really good.

On another note, we took a pregnancy test a week ago, and it was negative. Of course that was before I would have missed my period. I'm still not sure if I really had a period or if it was just some weird I' pregnant bleeding. We're going to take another test sometime this week, just to be sure one way or another. I'm hoping that I am at this point, but if not we will keep trying. I am ready for Lillian to have a sibling, and we are ready for our second child. I was actually sad when the test didnt come back positive. I guess it will happen when the time is right though.

It seems that things are working out really well right now. Lillian is being her normal silly self, and I love watching her learn and grow. She now dances, and loves her daddy best. It really is a great life. I am blessed and happy to have it.

Okay, so I need to say this. I am afraid to get pregnant again. I had my iud taken out, and now I am stressing about getting pregnant. I know that I had it taken out simply so that Brandon and I could start trying for our second child, but now I am rethinking the whole thing. It isnt because I dont think we are ready or because I dont want another one. Its more because I never lost my baby weight from my first and it makes me self conscience. I know that sounds crazy, and slightly ridiculous. I know that when pregnant it is normal to gain weight, but I want to lose it. I want to be back to where I was before I had a baby. I know that my body weight is not a reason not to have our second kid. I know that it is selfish. I know that I will never be back to where I was before. I just wish that I had tried harder in the past almost two years to lose the weight. Maybe then I wouldnt be so scared about gaining weight again. My grandma and mom keep making comments about my weight and it makes me sad. It makes me feel bad about myself. I hate it. I just want to feel good about myself, but every time that I do someone has to go and shit on me. I just wish that people would stop raining in my parade. Maybe this is my whole problem. Maybe I just need to suck it up. I know that Brandon loves me exactly how I am, and we are ready for this next step. I just need to stop worrying bout how I look. I guess. I dont know. Okay, I'm done ranting for tonight. I feel better now.

And it begins.

I have decided to start a blog, just simply because it's nice to have somewhere to post my thoughts to. It also lets me look back and see how my life is going. Right now I'm working on getting back into all of the things I loved doing before I had my daughter, and finding ways to incorporate her into some of them. Having a wonderful fiance who supports all of my goals makes it all so much easier. This month we are focusing on writing, since it's camp nanowrimo. Next month we'll work on the drawing, and art type things. I am trying to teach myself to crochet, but we'll see how that turns out. Here's to a new blog, and hoping I can manage to actually keep up with it!