Monday, July 14, 2014

A little behind

So I have tried out two different pinterest recipes since my last post, and both of them turned out pretty good for the most part. I of course didn't think to take pictures, but I'm going to try them both again with a couple modifications, and I'll take pictures then. I'm going to wait till I do that to post what I tried, and how it turned out. It should be sometime soon though, since I'm using one of the recipes for my husband's homecoming, which is coming up here in the near future.

Speaking of homecoming, I'm starting to get things together for it. I am so excited. This has been a short deployment, but it is also the first one that we have gone through together. I'm trying to get everything ready so that its done. I still have a while to figure it all out, but I hate waiting till the last second. I really just want everything ready so that I can relax. Well, relax as much as possible considering I have 2 kids and I'm overly excited.

I need to start working out again. I was doing really well with it, but then I started to slack, and I just gave up. I tend to do that. I wish that I could find a work out that I enjoy doing, instead of it being a chore. I think if I enjoyed it, it would be easier to stick to it. I'm not saying that there wouldn't be days that I would hate it, but at least for the most part I would like it. I'm just not sure what type of work out I would enjoy. Maybe I just need to keep trying different things until I find what I like. That's probably the best way to do it. At some point I'll post my before pictures as well as my measurements, but I have to upload them, and I'm just to lazy for that right now. I seem to be too lazy to do much of anything right now.

I think having my mom, grandma, and sister come visit just took a lot out of me. I really enjoyed their visit, but now that they've gone home I seem to be exhausted. We did a TON of sight seeing, and were busy pretty much the entire time that they were here. Now that they've gone back to Colorado I just feel drained. I'm not use to shoving that much stuff into such a short period of time. They were here for 10 days and we went raspberry picking, hiking at Fort Casey, drove over Deception Pass, broke in my fire pit, watched fireworks, saw a parade, walked around the park, explored Port Townsend, and went to Coupeville. We also tried out a few different restuarants. We did all of that plus 3 doctors appointments, and Lillian had her first dance class. It was just a lot of go go go, and usually We only do a few things a week. This week has a ton of running around as well, but its more normal, low key things. It'll be nice to be getting back to normal. I do miss my family though. It was really nice to have them around for a bit. I didnt realize how much I miss living close to them until they came out here.

Speaking of doctors appointments, mine didnt go the way that I had hoped it would. Well, thats not totally true. I did get answers which is what I had hoped for. They just weren't the answers that I had wanted. I wanted to know what had caused my PE. And I had wanted it to be something simple that could be easily cured, and then I would be able to move on with my life. It is something simple, lupus anticoagulant, but there isn't a cure. Its something that I will have for the rest of my life, and have to take medication for. If I do my regular blood tests, take my meds, and pay attention to my body than I will be fine. It does mean changing some of the plans that I had for my life. Having more children is most likely out of the question. The risks would be high, and I'm not willing to pay the price if something goes wrong. I'm not willing to risk not seeing the two children I have grow up. I'm not willing to risk leaving them without a mother. I'm also not willing to risk losing a child. That's something that I know I couldn't handle. My heart feels broken over this. I wanted at least 3 children. I know that I am blessed to have the 2 that I do, I know that this is obviously what God has planned for me. I know that in the long run this is the right decision, but that doesn't mean that I am ready to except that, not yet at least. I need time to grieve over the rest of the children that I will never have. I need to grieve over the things that I wanted to do that I will no longer be able to. I will never feel a child kick me from inside, I will never grow another precious gift. I will never be pregnant again. I will never get to watch my body change as a beautiful baby grows inside me. And I am devastated. I wanted all of that. No matter how sick I was, or how miserable I got towards the end of my pregnancies, I loved it. I loved knowing that I was going to have another child. I loved seeing them on the ultrasound, and hearing their heartbeats, I loved feeling them kick, or get the hiccups. I will miss all of that. I regret that I didn't enjoy those things more while I was pregnant with Landon and Lillian. I thought I would get to do it again. I should have enjoyed it all more. But I enjoyed it as much as I could. I'm just trying to come to terms with all of this. I know that I could have another, but the risks are too high. Both my pregnancies were high risk, and all the things that happened can be linked to my having the lupus anticoagulant. It all makes sense now. The placental abruption, the preterm labor, the miscarriage, the umbilical cord with Landon, the blood clots. All of these are risks associated with this. And it would be selfish to have more children when I know the risks. Someday I will make peace with this, but I'm not to that place yet. I still need time. God has a plan, and I need to trust in that.

Well now that I've made myself cry I'm going to go snuggle my two little ones. I'm going to go enjoy them as much as I can. I am happy in my life. I am blessed beyond what I could ever have hoped for. I have all that I need and much of what I want. I am content. I just need to remember that when things get difficult. My husband will be home soon, and then we can work through this together. God is watching over us. I know that in time it'll all be okay. I just need to have a little extra faith.

No comments:

Post a Comment